Wait. Wait. This is not my hat.

DRANK

Fri, 25 May 2012 22:43:18 -0500

I LOVE EVERYONE

Fri, 25 May 2012 22:42:52 -0500

’S BUTTS

Cannoli martini. Stoli vanil vodka, housemade pistachio liqueur,...

Fri, 25 May 2012 22:13:52 -0500

Cannoli martini. Stoli vanil vodka, housemade pistachio liqueur, housemade espresso liqueur. Jesus. (Taken with Instagram at Taverna 750)

IS ANYBODY HERE

Fri, 25 May 2012 20:30:22 -0500

My cat's new hobby.

Fri, 25 May 2012 17:28:36 -0500

Walk down our back stairs.
Climb onto our downstairs neighbors’ porch railings.
Hop onto our downstairs neighbors’ porch.
Believe that downstairs neighbors’ porch is our porch and that I have locked her out.
Scream and cry in the most pathetic way possible that I have abandoned her outside.
Force me to break into our downstairs neighbors’ porch and scoop her up despite how easy it would be for her to get out on her own the way she got in.
Get carried by me back up to our porch.
Repeat, ad nauseum.
Eat the shower curtain.

Apologies in advance to my coworkers. (Taken with instagram)

Fri, 25 May 2012 12:27:29 -0500

Apologies in advance to my coworkers. (Taken with instagram)

Jaime Lannister: Ultra-Hottie A Lannister Always Herps His Derps

Thu, 24 May 2012 22:24:16 -0500

Jaime Lannister: Ultra-Hottie

A Lannister Always Herps His Derps

Seems about right. (That’s about 220,000 calories. Or my...

Thu, 24 May 2012 17:57:36 -0500

Seems about right.

(That’s about 220,000 calories. Or my total daily intake.)

Holy bread, Batman.

Thu, 24 May 2012 12:41:26 -0500

I’ve been trying to get back into Weight Watchers and it is reminding me why I keep getting fat: I am literally always hungry.

Words on the wedding.

Wed, 23 May 2012 21:33:43 -0500

It was perfect.

The bachelorette party was trying at times - but being surrounded by five or six other women for several days straight is a task that’s impossible to get through without being frustrated (see: being in a sorority). Still, New Orleans? Bourbon Street? Ah. Ahhh. Heaven.

The wedding location was magnificent. Well done with the mansion, Huey P. Long. Sorry you got shot and then played by Sean Penn in the movie.

The weekend was: Wal-Mart chicken, a fancy rental car, driving through the bayou, Abita Strawberry, aching feet, burned shoulders, laughing, streetcars, beignets, late-night talks, hair and makeup and dresses, flowers, dancing, airline pains, and that painful joy of crying when you see your best friend walking down the aisle, with the unfortunate side effect of looking like a baboon standing next to the bride and groom in all of the photos of them standing at the altar.

My impromptu speech at the rehearsal dinner was awful, and my planned speech at the wedding was cancelled, but here as the gist of things: I love her, and she deserves the best in the world. I hope that he can give her that.

The girl at the beauty school who did my nails last weekend had not quite mastered cuticles.

Wed, 23 May 2012 20:59:59 -0500

I’m trying to take the polish off with cheap nail polish remover and this is what I imagine dipping your fingers in acid feels like.

I am so fucking old.

Wed, 23 May 2012 17:02:46 -0500

I am so fucking old.

Soft. Fresh. Fruity. I know the feeling. (Taken with instagram)

Mon, 21 May 2012 17:01:32 -0500

Soft. Fresh. Fruity. I know the feeling. (Taken with instagram)

Slow clap for United Airlines.

Mon, 21 May 2012 16:42:31 -0500

It’s cool, delay my flight out of Louisiana over and over and keep moving me to later connecting flights, it’s not like the bus I need to take in Chicago stops running at 10:30 and the wheels are broken on my luggage and I have to wake up at 6 AM tomorrow. Take your tiiiiiiiime.

"DON’T GET PECKED TO DEATH BY BIRDS!"

Sun, 20 May 2012 21:58:54 -0500

“DON’T GET PECKED TO DEATH BY BIRDS!”

- I really know what to say when sending off a new bride and groom to their honeymoon.

(We threw birdseed at the sendoff.)

(I’m still finding it in my cleavage.)

Waitin’ (Taken with instagram)

Sun, 20 May 2012 14:53:03 -0500

Waitin’ (Taken with instagram)

Ugh these shoooooes. (Taken with instagram)

Sun, 20 May 2012 14:48:10 -0500

Ugh these shoooooes. (Taken with instagram)

Taken with Instagram at Old Governor’s Mansion

Sun, 20 May 2012 13:30:34 -0500

Taken with Instagram at Old Governor’s Mansion

My best friend is getting married today.

Sun, 20 May 2012 10:40:32 -0500

She barged in on our maids-of-honor speech at the rehearsal dinner.

Sat, 19 May 2012 20:29:58 -0500

THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T PUT SOMEONE WITH HISTRIONIC PERSONALITY DISORDER IN YOUR WEDDING, KIDS.