Things I now appreciate the fuck out of:

• Huge dishwasher and huge fridge and freezer (it’s one thing to get this unique opportunity to get super-fat, but getting fat while only having to do dishes once a week? This is why America was founded, kids.)
• Garbage disposal (no rotting food! Now the only stink in my kitchen is the wet cat food!)
• Range hood fan thing (I can cook bacon without everything in the entire apartment smelling like bacon! Mexican food, every night! Mexican Indian garlic bacon!)
• Marble counter tops (hnnnnnnnnnnnnng)
• Electric stove (I learned to cook on electric, so gas was just a confusing mess of “why is everything on fire so much”)
• Enormous Jacuzzi tub (so comfortable I could drown in it and that would be fiiiiiiine)
• A fan in the bathroom (suck my dick, mildew)
• Water pressure! (not that much better than the old place, but every little bit counts)
• Smaller windows (two small blackout curtains and some tape and my bedroom is dark as fuck)
• CENTRAL AIR (if I don’t go outside, I don’t know what the temperature is. THIS IS THE FUTURE.)