July 2012
Conversation with the Moving Guy
MG: Where you coming from?
Me: Chicago.
MG: I love Chicago. Happy to be in Richmond, or would you rather be back there?
Me: Guess.
MG: Yeah, I figured.
My mom and I just laughed for several straight...
“You are Now Entering West Virginia: Wild and Wonderful”
Whatever you say, West Virginia. Whatever you say.
I've been in four states today.
Illinois, Indiana, Ohio, and now West Virginia.
I’m such a slut.
On a scale of one to drunk I am four glasses of...
Glo and I are angry that we only just tonight discovered an amazing $20 all-you-can-eat BYOB sushi place that’s three blocks from my apartment but we made up for a year of missing this sushi by eating so much sushi my god
My barfday.
Got up super-early so I could hobble my way to the train for my last day of work.
I got to stuff envelopes and talk to my coworkers for a few hours, which was the only thing I liked about my job. They gave me some Russell Stover chocolates that they found in the office. A+ gift!
Went to Evanston for a massage I bought on Groupon a few months back. I told the tiny masseuse that I’ve had...
SO SO SO
FUCKING DRUNK
OH I AM DONE WITH THAT JOB FOREVER
We just did Deskercise at work.
DESKERCISE. AWKWARD BENDING AND STRETCHING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE OFFICE.
BEST BIRTHDAY PRESENT EVER!*
*second to every other birthday present ever
Herp derp I'm 23
That’s not a grown-up age! I’m not an adult! Farts! Boobies! Buttcheeks!
“If your back still hurts in the morning, take one of those huge prescription...”
– My father, the extremely professional physician.
6:30-7:05 AM
Got up on time, started getting ready, took three minutes to walk to the bathroom because my back hurts so bad, decided to power through, realized that it’s almost a half-mile walk to the train and I’m already whimpering like a pathetic idiot, decided not to power through, wrote an email to my boss, turned on the heating pad, got back in bed.
2 tags
I'm glad we hired guys to load and unload the...
because an hour ago I bent down in the dining room to pick up the cat and my lower back went “HAHA GOTCHA” and I spent 20 minutes awkwardly crouched on the floor in the only position that didn’t hurt enough to make me cry and then 40 minutes crawling the ten feet into my bed and also what is with standing up like why is it so goddamn motherfucking painful yes I have taken a large Darvocet who are...
Out-of-Context Database Searches I Typed at Work...
“wouldn’t it be great if you could walk”
“talk as much as you like”
“use your card outside banana”
“underwater homeowners”
“there’s a better way to add cash to your bottom”
“get rewarded for having your monthly”
“Those who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream...”
– Edgar Allan Poe
My 8th grade yearbook quote, y’alls!
I forgot I had five bottles of wine in my wine...
On another note: $3 Shiraz is, surprisingly, not great.
It is mid-July and I keep getting Christmas songs...
Taste of Chicago round-up: Lou Malnati’s pizza, fried plantains, watermelon Italian ice, seafood gumbo, BBQ chicken sliders.
I’m still convinced that Taste of Chicago is a cover-up for a massive contest to see who can walk the slowest. Today, everybody won.
A co-worker invited me to a Whiskey and Pancakes party she’s having tonight. I’m not sure if I’ll go....
I haven't seen the subletter in two days.
I don’t know if this is because I keep going to bed at 9:30 and she’s coming in later or if she is dead in the street somewhere but she’s pre-paid the rent so whatevs.
1 tag
Truthful I'm Going to Bed So Fuck You It's Tuesday...
Last night I woke up at 3 AM and I started freaking out about everything. School, new people, moving, loans, the entire rest of my life.
I have yet to stop.
531 square feet.
That’s how big the new place is. And it’s just a big rectangle.
This is gonna be interesting.
I have three bagels in my kitchen.
When the subletter moved in tonight, I offered her something to eat. “What do you have?” she asked. “Uh, I have three bagels and some beer. And… no, that’s it. That’s all of my food.”
I think this is the most accurate first impression anyone’s ever gotten of me.
1 tag
how to kiss
conversationparade:
[step 1] open your mouth as wide as possible. make sure to stick out your tongue as far as you can, too, since kisses are like, 90% that thing
[step 2] find someone to kiss. you will know they want to kiss because their tongue will also be extended at full length
[step 3] move in for the kill
I’m so glad I found the guide that every boy I’ve ever put my...
“Being single can be confusing. On the one hand, you sometimes yearn for the...”
– Kinsey Millhone, taking the words right out of my head, in Sue Grafton’s “M” is for Malice. (via rartastic)
I am a Jerkasaurus.
The common back area of our apartment building has a gate. Beyond that gate is the alley with the dumpster. The gate automatically locks. I had to take out our garbage because it smelled like everything that has ever died. It was 88 degrees and 71% humidity outside. You see where this story is going, right?
I tried to be careful not to let the gate shut behind me but it did because physics is not...
I got the apartment!
This is the happiest Tumblr post I’ve ever sent from on the toilet!
That window AC unit that I dropped megabucks on a few months back is not cutting it, despite it being more than powerful enough for the square footage of the apartment.
Two fans on me and it still feels like 95 degrees in my bedroom. I’ve been lying awake for two hours, sweating. So I set up the air mattress so I can sleep directly in front of the AC unit in the dining room. It is still...
It is five degrees hotter in Chicago than it is in...
All who would say, “Why would you move to Richmond? It’s soooo hot!” can shut all shuttable holes.
(Know where else it’s 5 degrees cooler? My hometown in Louisiana. What is even going on.)
Apartsgt (that's "apartment angst," shut up, I am...
My last night in Richmond, people finally start telling me which neighborhood I should look for apartments in.
The apartment I picked is a mile and a half east of campus. This neighborhood is two and a half miles west.
Oh, well. If this place sucks, I’ll move in a year.
Also, why, why, why does apartment hunting suck so much. I have made so many phone calls and sent so many emails and...
I HAVE APPLIED FOR AN APARTMENT
LIKE A GROWN-UP
I JUST WANNA EAT PIZZA AND FART
You know when you eat so many breadsticks that you can’t bend at the waist and your mouth is numb with parmesan and garlic and you find yourself standing naked in random parts of your hotel room and you can’t remember how you got there?
Yeah, I’ll go back on my diet next week.
Genius!
I accidentally got a hotel room with two standard beds and today I realized that’s one bed to eat pizza in and one bed to sleep in!
Landlord Pro-Tip
Calling a building “The Westchester” doesn’t cover up the fact that there are shit stains on the walls.
Who said apartment-hunting couldn't be easy an...
Leasing Agent: When would you like to come see the apartment?
Me: How about tomorrow at 1 PM?
Leasing Agent: I'm sorry, we only show apartments between 10 AM and 4 PM.
“I checked a bag, like a rich person!”
– Thoughts from the airport. 