I feel too nauseous to get through the next two and a half hours of work but not sick enough to legitimize leaving my boss alone behind the counter. What is wrong with my stomach. I’ve been like this for a month.
I knew I'd watch the whole first season in one...
I knew and I started at 9:30 PM anyway.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY HEART
Katie Liveblogs downton Abbey: Episode 1, Part 3
This show has got to be a continuous orgasm for candelabra enthusiasts. Bates is basically a 21-year-old with a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology. Ain’t got no job prospects. STOP BREAKING MY FEEBLE LITTLE HEART, BRITISH TV SHOW. Am I watching The Remains of the Day? Is that what I’m watching? FISTICUFFS, PLEASE. Ah, finally. Can’t believe I waited almost an hour for...
Katie liveblogs Downton Abbey: Episode 1, Part Two
Those two are banging. “Do you ever wish you’d… gone another way?” This seems an awkward time to ask a guy if he wants to try gay stuff. Those two are also banging. I wish Bates was the master because I am five. I bet those two are gay banging. Ah. Daisy is the Molly Hooper of this show. Got it. In case I forget which ones are assholes: the good-looking people. The...
Katie liveblogs Downton Abbey: Episode 1
“You’re watching Masterpiece Theatre.” DON’T TELL ME WHAT I’M WATCHING, LAURA LINNEY. Ye olde one percent. “You mean the ladies in first class [on the Titanic]?” Ten minutes in and they’re already talking about Kate Winslet. Knock it off, British people. Is this one chick’s character American or does her English accent just suck? Every....
How I spent my day
50% lying on the couch 50% figuring out whether it’s “lying on the couch” or “laying on the couch”
anyone who has ever had a fake tan, had thighs that touch, worn a dark skirt while sitting with their legs crossed through a long funeral, and/or had a menstrual cycle can tell that it’s spray tan mixed with sweat running down Christina Aguilera’s legs in the Etta James funeral pictures. So let’s all grow up and move on.
I'm so tired.
I’m so endless all-the-time constant unending painful dragging sickly tired.
One of the side effects of these sleeping pills
is “trouble sleeping.”
Grad/Portfolio School Research Process
Google everything. Make charts of all information: relevant, irrelevant, or incredibly irrelevant. Google more things. The Internet has all the answers, right? Right?! Oh my God do I even really want to do this? But if I don’t want to do this, what do I want to do? I don’t have the patience for teaching. If I become a vet I will accidentally kill so many animals. If I become a...
Over $1200 worth of items stolen in four months.
Which is more than I make in a month at work. Yep.
Overheard by the Icee machine
Guy 1: What... wait, are you getting an Icee?
Guy 2: Yeah.
Guy 1: You're a grown-ass man. A grown-ass man. And you're getting an Icee.
Guy 2: I see you get Icees all the time.
Guy 1: I have an 11-year-old! I finish off her Icees! That's what grown-ups do! They don't get their own Icees on a cold day!
Guy 2: Whatever, man. I want a banana Icee, I get a banana Icee.
Guy 1: Damn. Now I want a strawberry one.
Guy 2: Damn right.
HIIIIIGHWAY TOOO THE
Tonight, our dinners were burnt Ramen and undercooked Lean Cuisine.
In the middle of the busiest time of day, with ten...
Woman: I'll have a tall decaf Blonde roast, please.
Me: We don't have decaf Blonde roast ground or brewing right now. The only decaf we have is Pike's, which we can do as a pour-over.
Me: The only three coffees we're serving are regular Pike's, regular Blonde, and decaf Pike's.
Woman: That doesn't make any sense. How can you not have decaf Blonde?
Me: We're a kiosk. We only grind three coffees in the morning. Those are the only coffees we can brew all day. You can buy a bag of decaf Blonde if you-
Woman: EXPLAIN YOURSELF.
Me: Okay. We can't grind a whole bag for one person. We only grind three-
Woman: THIS IS RIDICULOUS. I'M CALLING STARBUCKS HEADQUARTERS. WHATEVER. I'LL HAVE REGULAR DECAF. GET ME MY COFFEE.
Me: That's fine, ma'am.
I take several minutes to do a decaf pour-over, the most pain in the ass order ever, but whatever. She stands at the side making impatient noises the whole time and leaves without thanking me.
Five minutes later, an even longer line, her friend comes up.
Guy: What's this about you not having decaf Blonde roast?
Me: We can only brew you a coffee if it's already ground.
Guy: So you can't grind it if someone orders it?
Me: We would have to take an entire one-pound bag of decaf Blonde, grind it, then make it as a pour-over. It's a twelve dollar bag of coffee made for one person for less than two dollars. That would be a tremendous waste of money.
Guy: So this is about money?
Me: Sir, I don't make the rules. We always only grind three-
Guy: Starbucks always makes the coffee we want. I'm calling your headquarters. They're going to hear about this.
Me: Well, I hope you have fun with that. NEXT ORDER, PLEASE.
I'm probably going to get in trouble for that last bit, but one of my supervisors heard this whole thing, so I'm not too worried. Also, I have never wanted to spit in a drink that badly.
I get about two or three old white guys a day sighing and complaining and whining that we don't have the exact brew they want. It has gotten to the point that I have to brace myself when old white people come up to the counter. Because God fucking forbid you don't get every single little thing handed to you in life. Congrats on making me racist, retail.
I just don’t understand what compels a person to think that it’s okay to be absolutely rude and derogatory and horrible to a complete stranger, just because that stranger wears a uniform and stands behind a counter.
The big, important Friday night questions: 1. Did...
File under: Facebook statuses I hide from my parents because I like to keep up appearances that I have even the faintest clue what I’m doing.
Things that May Have Happened
I started using “may have happened” as a way of giving myself an air of mystery. I mean - I may have started using it. Krista is back and the cat is back to hating me. Only possible explanation: Krista is brainwashing the cat against me. “If there was a Bitch Gallery, every portrait would be of you.” I kind of let on at work that I was looking for a different job. At...
I think I figured out how Sherlock did it
gingerhaze: Read More You guys, Krista finally watched The Reichenbach Fall and we have firmly decided that this is what really happened.
oh my god the Target sketches on SNL are so...
except they are not wearing khakis, so against regulation you guys
That is all I have for you.
I BUTT BUMPED HOT GIRL
There is increasing evidence that my cat is an...
Most of this evidence is the fact that she only climbs into my lap and purrs when I’m not wearing pants.
Sometimes, I feel the past and the future pressing so hard on either side that...– Evelyn Waugh (via hedi-slimane)