I really, truly believe that comments pages on news stories should have a...– John Oliver, The Bugle #123 (via fuckyeahjohnoliver)
You guys seem to be implying
that I SHOULDN’T be cramming Cheetos into my computer. But what if it gets hungry?!
I must once more request the advice of...
The cursor on my Macbook Pro is acting up. Half the time, it works perfectly normally. The other half of the time, it’s not moving correctly or at all, or it’s dragging things that I haven’t clicked on, or it’s just being a boob and double clicking shit I’m hovering over. Just now I tried to click on a word and it was all “how about I highlight and delete that...
25 Songs in 25 Days: Day 7 - A Song that Reminds...
A guy outside my window
has just been yelling “WHAT? WHAT?” over and over for up to a minute. At first I was annoyed, but now I’m thinking, yeah, that’s a good question, random guy.
Drunk/High College Girls: An Insight
Me: Oh, man. I would poon on him so hard.
Krista: All his parts?
Me: I'd like... even... poon the parts that look like a Scrunchie.
Krista: Fuck, yeah.
Me: All his weird bits. The ginger parts.
Krista: 'S commitment.
Me: I'd... I'd peen him.
Krista: You'd penis him?
Me: Put my dick on him.
Krista: Put your dick all over him.
Me: Put my dick on you.
There are nipples on this room
I got into an unmarked van
On the Way Back from Fancy Crepe Dinner
Krista: Remember that time we got addicted to crack?
Me: Oh, yeah, that was great.
Krista: And then we ate human meat.
Me: These were fun times that definitely happened to us and not to characters on a TV show.
Krista: Such fun.
I don’t like having feelings and I don’t like having them about dudemen.
Somewhere along the line, I became a mom, without...
Me: Turn off all the lights before you go to bed.
Kelsey: Okay, Katie.
Me: And go to bed soon so you don't sleep all day tomorrow.
Kelsey: Okay, Katie.
Me: Eat your vegetables.
Kelsey: Okay, Katie.
Me: Goodnight, dearie.
Kelsey: Goodnight, Katie.
Scary: becoming an adult. Scarier: the kids you...
The shy, funny, awkward guy I shared my first kiss with on my front porch at 16 (and dumped on his 17th birthday) is about to move to Florida with his long-term girlfriend and get a PhD in Electrical Engineering and I’m just sitting here herp derping around like what are jobs and can I write fart jokes in them?
English Prof/Mentor/Favorite Person/Monica: Hey, I heard you wrote something really good last term.
Me: I did?
Monica: Yeah, something amazing.
Me: In Chad's class?
Monica: Yeah. He said it was one of his favorite student writings ever. Like, publishable. Didn't you know?
Monica: Well now I've let it go to your head. Um, it was awful! Yeah!
Me: I. Am the greatest writer. Of all time.
Monica: Oh no, it's too late.
Is your middle name Honeybaked?– Zach Galifianakis interviews Jon Hamm
I've made it on the internet!
eoporto: I’m being personally insulted over here! Arguably, I used some strong language over the whole “Be a slut, steal from a dude, help Japan” chart; but the fact that people are equating the fact that I drink beer in my avatar with a lack of self-respect is freaking me out right now. BRB going to read a book. The comments in the notes on that ilovecharts post are some of the most...
According to several different scales, I have either lost five pounds or gained two. Progress! I have also written a poem entitled “I want a hundred tacos.”
Humor is one of the sexiest qualities a person can have. There’s that phrase,...– Kristen Wiig (via poehleroid) (via fuckyeahfunnywomen, femmerun)
My Top 5 Artists (Week Ending 2011-3-27) →
Janelle Monáe (3) Sufjan Stevens (3) Iron & Wine (2) Better Than Ezra (2) Hot Chip (1) Imported from Last.fm Tumblr by JoeLaz
Anonymous asked: When you finish school, move to a really BIG city. You'll struggle for a few years, then everyone will Schlemele, Schlemozl, Hossenfeffer Corporate your ass. Finish first.
L&O: SVU, S12E16: Why I Love Tutuola
Approaching apartment in the snow. Suspect emerges.
Stabler: Carl Cooper! Got a second?
Cooper starts running
Tutuola: IT IS TOO COLD FOR THIS.
Home for the night; new Aflac commercial is on.
Dad: You know they fired that, uh, Grobert...
Me: Gilbert Gottfried.
Dad: Yeah, he made some anti-Jewish jokes..
Me: A joke about Japan.
Dad: Yeah, on the blogs.
Me: Good enough.
hate. condiments. (see: mayo, ketchup, mustard, most salad dressings, vinegar, relish, euuuuuuugh gagging)
T-Pain's "Buy You a Drink"
Sarah: My favorite line in that song is "I'm T-Pain, you know me." It's so reassuring.
Alex: It's kind of sad, really.
Me: It's like a line in a Lifetime movie. He's saying it in the hospital to someone who's lost their memory.
Alex: His long-term serious girlfriend has lost her memory and he's trying to bring it back.
Sarah: He wants her to remember their three beautiful children and the lives they've made together.
Me: "I'm T-Pain. You know me."
Partyin' partyin'. Fun fun fun fun fun fun fun...
Or maybe just going to Sarah’s apartment and watching the SNL rerun and then getting Diet Cokes at McDonald’s and talking about boys and life and shit. I think I’ll miss this place.
I’ve caught up on the Tumblr I missed in New York. I feel like I should definitely, definitely not be showing off this fact.