January 2012
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“THE MOON WANTS BEES AND IT WANTS BLOOD. IT’S LIKE OPRAH.”
– Chris is really drunk.
“You’re like this female Dr. Seuss. Cat in the Hat? More like Female Cat in...”
– Chris is drunk.
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This might be adulthood. Or childhood. I can't...
“I better take a nap if I wanna stay up past midnight tonight!”
December 2011
2011/2012
2011:
Gradumagated the college.
Lost 20 pounds
Moved to Chicago
Got one of them job things
Got a jerk cat
2012:
Get one of them job things that is better, maybe even one I like
Lose 15 pounds by paying attention to Weight Watchers again
Try not to lose the cat
Run a 5k race
Eat some chicken
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Here is a list of things that are gross.
Cottage cheese (the fuck is that, that ain’t cheese, that’s nonsense)
Mustard (get your yellow shit outta my sandwich)
Mayonnaise (devil zit juice)
Packaged crab meat (oh god why)
Bologna (I do not want to eat something that makes me smell like an elementary school lunch room thank you)
Artichokes (the word “choke” is in the title, why would I consume something...
I love you, cheese.
Shh, don’t tell milk.
How was my day?
I got home from work at 11 PM and started chasing my cat around while yelling “Butthooooole!” Then I had a hot dog and a beer.
Butthooooooooooole.
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girl-detective asked: What if I am consumed by the desire to murder you but do not care for loud noises or crowds? Will I have other opportunities to murder you in a quieter setting?
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Anonymous asked: What are your plans for New Year's Eve?
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I am watching It's A Wonderful Life for the first...
So Rosebud is the sled, right? Watch out for the Nazis, Julie Andrews!
I am not good with the smart.
Me: Is "Joy to the World" a Christmas song?
Krista: What?
Me: You know, is it just for Christmas, or is it one of those year-round songs?
Krista: Is that a serious question? It's... it's about the birth of Jesus. It's a Christmas song.
Me: Oh.
Pause.
Me: What about "Holly Jolly Christmas"?
Krista: That one I'm not sure about.
Things I am thankful for this Christmas:
My apartment, which is a wonderful apartment
My roommate, who is the best roommate of all the roommates
Aquaphor
My cat, when she is not an asshole
My parents, who I miss a lot
My mom’s pralines
The big sales floor guy who tells me stories in the break room of things like a former employee scaring off gang members by pretending to be a werewolf
The lady who gave me five dollars...
There are three kinds of people who shop at Target...
People who have forgotten it was even Christmastime and are rushing through to buy presents,
People who don’t celebrate Christmas and just want to do their normal shopping, and
Fucking assholes who are so immature and abrupt and unnecessarily rude that their own families don’t invite them to Christmas events and gatherings.
Guess which type all got together and came to Starbucks...
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Yowch.
The insides of my skull hurt so much. It feels like my brain is made of chinchillas walking on broken glass. No. No, I need a simile that’s more unpleasant than that. It feels like my brain is Vanilla Ice after the 1990s.
“They come 17 to a pack, so everyone got 5 chocolate truffles in their stockings....”
– My mom, on Christmas Math.
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Breaking my own rule.
I started reading The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo last week so I could finish it before seeing the movie (seeing a movie without reading the book is bad, it’s wrong, it’s badong) and I’m only halfway through, but my mom and I found a movie showing of the the new adaptation today and damnit we are going.
Also, being home is the best ever, so many cookies oh god.
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I become proud of myself for weird reasons.
Target employees get an extra 10% off Target-owned brands until the end of the year, so with the employee discount, that discount and the Red card, I get 25% off a lot of Target crap right now. I went shopping for groceries and whatnots last night and saved 20 bucks off an 85-dollar total. I am a champion. A champion.
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Oh God, I got Medium salsa instead of Mild salsa.
IF THIS KILLS ME, PLEASE DON’T TAKE ME TO A MORGUE WHERE LINDSAY LOHAN DOES COMMUNITY SERVICE.
If I could please just punch somebody in the chin
That would be lovely.
A day that begins with a woman loudly threatening to hit her kids and a coworker mocking a customer with a disability, and goes downhill from there, is not particularly the kind of day I was hoping for.
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