February 2012
1 tag
Chicago female types!
Where/with whom do you get your hairs cut?
Preferably somewhere cheap-ish.
I just realized I haven’t gotten a haircut since last June. Not fly, this shit will.
(I still gotta put a goddamn question mark like some goddamn motherfucker?)
3 tags
How to spend your Thursday off.
Spend half the day frantically searching the apartment for the fifty bucks you had in your pocket on Tuesday. Check every conceivable place you could have placed it. Begin to despair, as this is all of your money for the weekend.
Go to the gym. Become embarrassed by how your nose runs on the treadmill more than you do.
Work calls. Hold the phone in your hand and watch it ring. Feel powerful for...
2 tags
Who would play me in a movie, part 2
I would be played by Newt Gingrich, who would be played by Brad Pitt, who would be placed by Steve Buscemi’s long-lost sister, who would be played by me.
(Seriously, I don’t look like anyone.)
1 tag
1 tag
You know who would play me in a movie?
Your mom.
She’s very versatile.
(Just kidding, she slept with the producer.)
Or
Mad Men. Or Breaking Bad. Or Parks & Recreation. Or The Wire. Or Battlestar Galactica. Or Friday Night Lights. Or Curb Your Enthusiasm. Or The West Wing. Or Six Feet Under. Or that movie from Netflix that I got back in September. Or the past season of Doctor Who. Or Dexter. Or read The Hunger Games.
So, I've never watched The Simpsons.
Because I don’t know where to start.
But now I have a massive skull-ache and I just want to sit in the dark for two days and watch The Simpsons. So, motherfuckers, where should I start?
3 tags
I had pizza, champagne, and Oreos for dinner.
Because I’m off for six days, that’s why.
I don’t even care that this means no moolah for Kay-Kay. Fancy Feast for all the cats! Vaginas for all the gentlemen! High fives for all my bitches! Celebrate good times, COME ON.
WatchI’m sorry. I’m very, very sorry.
Ay yi yi.
One of our regulars came in tonight - one of our very, very talkative regulars. She started asking me about school and my majors and when I told her I was still somewhat on the fence about my future career, she told me, “Oh, you should be a teacher.” Like it was obvious, the most natural thing in the world. It wasn’t even just an off-hand comment; she explained how my degrees...
Madonna.
She’s getting paid millions and millions of dollars to sing. If I was getting paid that much, I would at least lightly consider working my vocal chords a little instead of mouthing the words.
I’m just saying, if I stood there for eight hours a day and mimed making coffee, they wouldn’t pay me a cent.
Boing.
Thought: Oh, my waffles are done.
Thought, one hour later: Why are there cold waffles in the toaster? Oh, right. I’ll just push them down again.
Repeat, ad nauseam.
Cee-Lo!
Please please please let floor-length sparkling robes be the next fashion trend please please please.
3 tags
“Did you just suggest that you don’t need to care about the very rich...”
– Jon Stewart, responding to Mitt Romney’s quite: “I’m not concerned about the very poor, we have a safety net there - if it needs a repair, I’ll fix it - I’m not concerned about the very rich, they’re doing just fine.”
3 tags
I am a Tarwhore. A Whoreget.
Target called this morning at 9 and said they were short on cashiers and would I please pretty please come in today and work the front lanes even though it’s my day off please please. My mind was going no, no, you deserve this Saturday off, even though your hours have been cut lately, even though you accidentally paid twice your student loan payment last month, even though you’ve got...
Have you guys heard about food
Food is so awesome.
1 tag
I was running out the door this morning
and I didn’t have time to rifle through my Big Box O Drugs (when you mother is a pharmacist, this is something you always have with you) for my horse tranquilizers (the affectionate nickname of my prescription meds that make me into a blubbering but blissfully numb idiot two days a month), so for my eight-hour shift I subsisted on the de-cramping powers of three Aleves and a Snickers bar,...
3 tags
Seriously though, I watched over 16 hours of this...
It got a little Ye Olde Grey’s Anatomy with the melodrama in the second season, but they’re all so fucking charming that I don’t care.
Also, Bates and I are to be wed.
Edith can still suck an egg.
Time for the Christmas special. READY THYSELVES, TEAR DUCTS.
1 tag
An Episode of Downton Abbey: Season 2
Wounded soldier #90003: Owwww.
Everybody else: Fucking Germany.
Lingering glances interrupted by explosions interrupted by more lingering glances.
Fade to black.
1 tag
An Episode of Downton Abbey: Season 1
Lord Swithinger of Norinquistshire: Harumph. Harr, flarr, darr. Mmmmm.
Lingering glances.
Lingering glances.
Her Ladyship Bethusala of Most Rightfulson: Manners! Corsets!
Lingering glances.
Lingering glances.
Maid #6591: WOT WOT RIGHT TALLY-HO HOW BOUT THAT KING GEORGE INNIT
Lingering glances.
Fade to black.
There were no homicides in Chicago last week.
This week, I can’t promise anything.
Oh god I need sleep.
I have to be up at 6.
It is 4:10.
I have just been lying here, staring at nothing, since 11.
My 8.5 hour shift is going to suck just a little.
In which I save 38% off my grocery bill.
Cashier: Oh! You wrote in the numbers [on the manufacturer-coupon-doubling-coupon] for us. Thank you! You're so organized.
Bagging lady: I wish everyone did that.
Me: Thanks!
My brain: This is kind of lame and sad, you know.
Me: What?
My brain: You're going to go to bed remembering this as the best part of your day. The part when you are complimented by two strangers on your couponing skills.
Me: Shut up.
My brain: You shut up.
Me: I hate you.
Cashier: What?
Me: Should I swipe my card now?
2 tags
Vera Bates has ruined all people named Vera.
Vera Wang? No longer wearing your gowns to the Oscars.
Vera Bradley? No longer picking my favorite handbag pattern of yours in the fifth grade.
Vera MacButtelshem? No longer making you up for the sake of this post.
1 tag
"And you might start calling me John."
AHHEWKNVWLB#$WBR$HIOU#RHOIAEVKLNAEFWLJBAT$BLUATW$LBJALKBAEFWKLBJFW$BUQBUGAFWKNLAEBUT
January 2012
I feel too nauseous to get through the next two and a half hours of work but not sick enough to legitimize leaving my boss alone behind the counter.
What is wrong with my stomach. I’ve been like this for a month.
I knew I'd watch the whole first season in one...
I knew and I started at 9:30 PM anyway.
1 tag
WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY HEART
2 tags
Katie Liveblogs downton Abbey: Episode 1, Part 3
This show has got to be a continuous orgasm for candelabra enthusiasts.
Bates is basically a 21-year-old with a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology. Ain’t got no job prospects.
STOP BREAKING MY FEEBLE LITTLE HEART, BRITISH TV SHOW.
Am I watching The Remains of the Day? Is that what I’m watching?
FISTICUFFS, PLEASE.
Ah, finally. Can’t believe I waited almost an hour for...
2 tags
Katie liveblogs Downton Abbey: Episode 1, Part Two
Those two are banging.
“Do you ever wish you’d… gone another way?” This seems an awkward time to ask a guy if he wants to try gay stuff.
Those two are also banging.
I wish Bates was the master because I am five.
I bet those two are gay banging.
Ah. Daisy is the Molly Hooper of this show. Got it.
In case I forget which ones are assholes: the good-looking people.
The...
2 tags
Katie liveblogs Downton Abbey: Episode 1
“You’re watching Masterpiece Theatre.” DON’T TELL ME WHAT I’M WATCHING, LAURA LINNEY.
Ye olde one percent.
“You mean the ladies in first class [on the Titanic]?” Ten minutes in and they’re already talking about Kate Winslet. Knock it off, British people.
Is this one chick’s character American or does her English accent just suck?
Every....
2 tags
How I spent my day
50% lying on the couch
50% figuring out whether it’s “lying on the couch” or “laying on the couch”
2 tags
Also
anyone who has ever had a fake tan, had thighs that touch, worn a dark skirt while sitting with their legs crossed through a long funeral, and/or had a menstrual cycle can tell that it’s spray tan mixed with sweat running down Christina Aguilera’s legs in the Etta James funeral pictures.
So let’s all grow up and move on.
I'm so tired.
I’m so endless all-the-time constant unending painful dragging sickly tired.
One of the side effects of these sleeping pills
is “trouble sleeping.”