February 2012
1 tag
Feb 10th
13 notes
Feb 10th
12 notes
Chicago female types!
Where/with whom do you get your hairs cut? Preferably somewhere cheap-ish. I just realized I haven’t gotten a haircut since last June. Not fly, this shit will. (I still gotta put a goddamn question mark like some goddamn motherfucker?)
Feb 10th
17 notes
3 tags
Feb 10th
1,390 notes
How to spend your Thursday off.
Spend half the day frantically searching the apartment for the fifty bucks you had in your pocket on Tuesday. Check every conceivable place you could have placed it. Begin to despair, as this is all of your money for the weekend. Go to the gym. Become embarrassed by how your nose runs on the treadmill more than you do. Work calls. Hold the phone in your hand and watch it ring. Feel powerful for...
Feb 10th
34 notes
2 tags
Feb 9th
30 notes
Who would play me in a movie, part 2
I would be played by Newt Gingrich, who would be played by Brad Pitt, who would be placed by Steve Buscemi’s long-lost sister, who would be played by me. (Seriously, I don’t look like anyone.)
Feb 9th
19 notes
1 tag
Feb 9th
80 notes
1 tag
You know who would play me in a movie?
Your mom. She’s very versatile. (Just kidding, she slept with the producer.)
Feb 9th
33 notes
Or
Mad Men. Or Breaking Bad. Or Parks & Recreation. Or The Wire. Or Battlestar Galactica. Or Friday Night Lights. Or Curb Your Enthusiasm. Or The West Wing. Or Six Feet Under. Or that movie from Netflix that I got back in September. Or the past season of Doctor Who. Or Dexter. Or read The Hunger Games.
Feb 8th
21 notes
So, I've never watched The Simpsons.
Because I don’t know where to start. But now I have a massive skull-ache and I just want to sit in the dark for two days and watch The Simpsons. So, motherfuckers, where should I start?
Feb 8th
18 notes
Feb 8th
26 notes
3 tags
I had pizza, champagne, and Oreos for dinner.
Because I’m off for six days, that’s why. I don’t even care that this means no moolah for Kay-Kay. Fancy Feast for all the cats! Vaginas for all the gentlemen! High fives for all my bitches! Celebrate good times, COME ON.
Feb 8th
41 notes
WatchWatch
I’m sorry. I’m very, very sorry.
Feb 7th
39 notes
Feb 7th
31 notes
Feb 6th
28 notes
Ay yi yi.
One of our regulars came in tonight - one of our very, very talkative regulars. She started asking me about school and my majors and when I told her I was still somewhat on the fence about my future career, she told me, “Oh, you should be a teacher.” Like it was obvious, the most natural thing in the world. It wasn’t even just an off-hand comment; she explained how my degrees...
Feb 6th
37 notes
Madonna.
She’s getting paid millions and millions of dollars to sing. If I was getting paid that much, I would at least lightly consider working my vocal chords a little instead of mouthing the words. I’m just saying, if I stood there for eight hours a day and mimed making coffee, they wouldn’t pay me a cent.
Feb 6th
32 notes
Boing.
Thought: Oh, my waffles are done. Thought, one hour later: Why are there cold waffles in the toaster? Oh, right. I’ll just push them down again. Repeat, ad nauseam.
Feb 6th
29 notes
Cee-Lo!
Please please please let floor-length sparkling robes be the next fashion trend please please please.
Feb 6th
23 notes
Feb 5th
911 notes
Feb 5th
19 notes
3 tags
“Did you just suggest that you don’t need to care about the very rich...”
– Jon Stewart, responding to Mitt Romney’s quite: “I’m not concerned about the very poor, we have a safety net there - if it needs a repair, I’ll fix it - I’m not concerned about the very rich, they’re doing just fine.”
Feb 5th
70 notes
3 tags
Feb 5th
108 notes
I am a Tarwhore. A Whoreget.
Target called this morning at 9 and said they were short on cashiers and would I please pretty please come in today and work the front lanes even though it’s my day off please please. My mind was going no, no, you deserve this Saturday off, even though your hours have been cut lately, even though you accidentally paid twice your student loan payment last month, even though you’ve got...
Feb 5th
26 notes
Have you guys heard about food
Food is so awesome.
Feb 4th
31 notes
1 tag
I was running out the door this morning
and I didn’t have time to rifle through my Big Box O Drugs (when you mother is a pharmacist, this is something you always have with you) for my horse tranquilizers (the affectionate nickname of my prescription meds that make me into a blubbering but blissfully numb idiot two days a month), so for my eight-hour shift I subsisted on the de-cramping powers of three Aleves and a Snickers bar,...
Feb 4th
31 notes
3 tags
Seriously though, I watched over 16 hours of this...
It got a little Ye Olde Grey’s Anatomy with the melodrama in the second season, but they’re all so fucking charming that I don’t care. Also, Bates and I are to be wed. Edith can still suck an egg. Time for the Christmas special. READY THYSELVES, TEAR DUCTS.
Feb 3rd
35 notes
1 tag
An Episode of Downton Abbey: Season 2
Wounded soldier #90003: Owwww. Everybody else: Fucking Germany. Lingering glances interrupted by explosions interrupted by more lingering glances. Fade to black.
Feb 3rd
23 notes
1 tag
An Episode of Downton Abbey: Season 1
Lord Swithinger of Norinquistshire: Harumph. Harr, flarr, darr. Mmmmm. Lingering glances. Lingering glances. Her Ladyship Bethusala of Most Rightfulson: Manners! Corsets! Lingering glances. Lingering glances. Maid #6591: WOT WOT RIGHT TALLY-HO HOW BOUT THAT KING GEORGE INNIT Lingering glances. Fade to black.
Feb 3rd
43 notes
Feb 2nd
49 notes
There were no homicides in Chicago last week.
This week, I can’t promise anything. Oh god I need sleep.
Feb 2nd
25 notes
I have to be up at 6.
It is 4:10. I have just been lying here, staring at nothing, since 11. My 8.5 hour shift is going to suck just a little.
Feb 2nd
22 notes
In which I save 38% off my grocery bill.
Cashier: Oh! You wrote in the numbers [on the manufacturer-coupon-doubling-coupon] for us. Thank you! You're so organized.
Bagging lady: I wish everyone did that.
Me: Thanks!
My brain: This is kind of lame and sad, you know.
Me: What?
My brain: You're going to go to bed remembering this as the best part of your day. The part when you are complimented by two strangers on your couponing skills.
Me: Shut up.
My brain: You shut up.
Me: I hate you.
Cashier: What?
Me: Should I swipe my card now?
Feb 2nd
37 notes
Feb 2nd
27 notes
Feb 1st
1,395 notes
2 tags
Vera Bates has ruined all people named Vera.
Vera Wang? No longer wearing your gowns to the Oscars. Vera Bradley? No longer picking my favorite handbag pattern of yours in the fifth grade. Vera MacButtelshem? No longer making you up for the sake of this post.
Feb 1st
30 notes
1 tag
"And you might start calling me John."
AHHEWKNVWLB#$WBR$HIOU#RHOIAEVKLNAEFWLJBAT$BLUATW$LBJALKBAEFWKLBJFW$BUQBUGAFWKNLAEBUT
Feb 1st
9 notes
Feb 1st
31 notes
January 2012
I feel too nauseous to get through the next two and a half hours of work but not sick enough to legitimize leaving my boss alone behind the counter. What is wrong with my stomach. I’ve been like this for a month.
Jan 31st
8 notes
I knew I'd watch the whole first season in one...
I knew and I started at 9:30 PM anyway.
Jan 31st
16 notes
1 tag
WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY HEART
Jan 31st
16 notes
2 tags
Katie Liveblogs downton Abbey: Episode 1, Part 3
This show has got to be a continuous orgasm for candelabra enthusiasts. Bates is basically a 21-year-old with a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology. Ain’t got no job prospects. STOP BREAKING MY FEEBLE LITTLE HEART, BRITISH TV SHOW. Am I watching The Remains of the Day? Is that what I’m watching? FISTICUFFS, PLEASE. Ah, finally. Can’t believe I waited almost an hour for...
Jan 31st
15 notes
2 tags
Katie liveblogs Downton Abbey: Episode 1, Part Two
Those two are banging. “Do you ever wish you’d… gone another way?” This seems an awkward time to ask a guy if he wants to try gay stuff. Those two are also banging. I wish Bates was the master because I am five. I bet those two are gay banging. Ah. Daisy is the Molly Hooper of this show. Got it. In case I forget which ones are assholes: the good-looking people. The...
Jan 31st
20 notes
2 tags
Katie liveblogs Downton Abbey: Episode 1
“You’re watching Masterpiece Theatre.” DON’T TELL ME WHAT I’M WATCHING, LAURA LINNEY. Ye olde one percent. “You mean the ladies in first class [on the Titanic]?” Ten minutes in and they’re already talking about Kate Winslet. Knock it off, British people. Is this one chick’s character American or does her English accent just suck? Every....
Jan 31st
34 notes
2 tags
How I spent my day
50% lying on the couch 50% figuring out whether it’s “lying on the couch” or “laying on the couch”
Jan 31st
26 notes
Jan 31st
12 notes
2 tags
Also
anyone who has ever had a fake tan, had thighs that touch, worn a dark skirt while sitting with their legs crossed through a long funeral, and/or had a menstrual cycle can tell that it’s spray tan mixed with sweat running down Christina Aguilera’s legs in the Etta James funeral pictures. So let’s all grow up and move on.
Jan 30th
31 notes
I'm so tired.
I’m so endless all-the-time constant unending painful dragging sickly tired.
Jan 30th
10 notes
One of the side effects of these sleeping pills
is “trouble sleeping.”
Jan 30th
27 notes