January 2012
1 tag
Over $1200 worth of items stolen in four months.
Which is more than I make in a month at work.
Yep.
Overheard by the Icee machine
Guy 1: What... wait, are you getting an Icee?
Guy 2: Yeah.
Guy 1: You're a grown-ass man. A grown-ass man. And you're getting an Icee.
Guy 2: I see you get Icees all the time.
Guy 1: I have an 11-year-old! I finish off her Icees! That's what grown-ups do! They don't get their own Icees on a cold day!
Guy 2: Whatever, man. I want a banana Icee, I get a banana Icee.
Guy 1: Damn. Now I want a strawberry one.
Guy 2: Damn right.
1 tag
2 tags
HIIIIIGHWAY TOOO THE
INTERCOURSE
1 tag
Bachelorette Lyfe
Tonight, our dinners were burnt Ramen and undercooked Lean Cuisine.
3 tags
In the middle of the busiest time of day, with ten...
Woman: I'll have a tall decaf Blonde roast, please.
Me: We don't have decaf Blonde roast ground or brewing right now. The only decaf we have is Pike's, which we can do as a pour-over.
Woman: What?!
Me: The only three coffees we're serving are regular Pike's, regular Blonde, and decaf Pike's.
Woman: That doesn't make any sense. How can you not have decaf Blonde?
Me: We're a kiosk. We only grind three coffees in the morning. Those are the only coffees we can brew all day. You can buy a bag of decaf Blonde if you-
Woman: EXPLAIN YOURSELF.
Me: Okay. We can't grind a whole bag for one person. We only grind three-
Woman: THIS IS RIDICULOUS. I'M CALLING STARBUCKS HEADQUARTERS. WHATEVER. I'LL HAVE REGULAR DECAF. GET ME MY COFFEE.
Me: That's fine, ma'am.
I take several minutes to do a decaf pour-over, the most pain in the ass order ever, but whatever. She stands at the side making impatient noises the whole time and leaves without thanking me.
Five minutes later, an even longer line, her friend comes up.
Guy: What's this about you not having decaf Blonde roast?
Me: We can only brew you a coffee if it's already ground.
Guy: So you can't grind it if someone orders it?
Me: We would have to take an entire one-pound bag of decaf Blonde, grind it, then make it as a pour-over. It's a twelve dollar bag of coffee made for one person for less than two dollars. That would be a tremendous waste of money.
Guy: So this is about money?
Me: Sir, I don't make the rules. We always only grind three-
Guy: Starbucks always makes the coffee we want. I'm calling your headquarters. They're going to hear about this.
Me: Well, I hope you have fun with that. NEXT ORDER, PLEASE.
I'm probably going to get in trouble for that last bit, but one of my supervisors heard this whole thing, so I'm not too worried. Also, I have never wanted to spit in a drink that badly.
I get about two or three old white guys a day sighing and complaining and whining that we don't have the exact brew they want. It has gotten to the point that I have to brace myself when old white people come up to the counter. Because God fucking forbid you don't get every single little thing handed to you in life. Congrats on making me racist, retail.
I just don’t understand what compels a person to think that it’s okay to be absolutely rude and derogatory and horrible to a complete stranger, just because that stranger wears a uniform and stands behind a counter.
The big, important Friday night questions: 1. Did...
File under: Facebook statuses I hide from my parents because I like to keep up appearances that I have even the faintest clue what I’m doing.
Things that May Have Happened
I started using “may have happened” as a way of giving myself an air of mystery. I mean - I may have started using it.
Krista is back and the cat is back to hating me. Only possible explanation: Krista is brainwashing the cat against me.
“If there was a Bitch Gallery, every portrait would be of you.”
I kind of let on at work that I was looking for a different job. At...
I think I figured out how Sherlock did it
gingerhaze:
Read More
You guys, Krista finally watched The Reichenbach Fall and we have firmly decided that this is what really happened.
oh my god the Target sketches on SNL are so...
except they are not wearing khakis, so against regulation you guys
Ernest Heming-gay
That is all I have for you.
I BUTT BUMPED HOT GIRL
HOMAWKSEXUWARD
Lawkbien?
Lesbawkiward?
Homawksexuward?
There is increasing evidence that my cat is an...
Most of this evidence is the fact that she only climbs into my lap and purrs when I’m not wearing pants.
2 tags
“Sometimes, I feel the past and the future pressing so hard on either side that...”
– Evelyn Waugh (via hedi-slimane)
1 tag
I NEED SOMEONE TO MAKE INCOMPREHENSIBLE NOISES AT
DAMMIT KRISTA
2 tags
Oh my God, Moffat and Gatiss.
You cannot do that, you cannot do that to a person. I just wanted to watch a TV show, and now I’m just, ugh, oh my fucking God, what is wrong with you.
2 tags
I was going to liveblog The Reichenback Fall.
But 15 minutes in, the only internal or external comments I’ve made have been guttural shrieks.
Trader Joe's
Going in: I’m going to get so many healthy, natural foodstuffs!
Coming out: My weak human arms are not powerful enough for this many bottles of cheap wine.
1 tag
“Santorum continued, “…people make poor decisions with respect to...”
– Stephen Colbert.
I just want to hug him. That’s all I want.
Talking about When Harry Met Sally
Krista: I love that scene when they're talking in the funny voices.
Me: That movie is my life. Except without the dude. It's When Harry Met Sally without Harry. It's Sally.
Krista: You're just Meg Ryan, wandering around Chicago in high-waisted jeans, being best friends with Carrie Fisher.
Things I think about while drinking
I live across the street from a fire station. I’ve gotten so used to flashing lights and sirens, I wouldn’t even notice if my building was actually on fire. Even if the fire alarms went off, I’d think it was the cat.
4 tags
The Ultimate Question
To go to the gym or to keep my precious parking spot.
It’s going to be a long, fat winter.
WHAT IS THE MONOCLE ATTACHED TO